a response to a grieving community

Tue Feb 13 07:29:55 CST 2007

   Dear Manuela,
 I recently went to a conference in which Monica McGoldrick, the editor of the excellent Ethnicity in Family Therapy, was the keynote. She spoke of being a graduate student, studying the way families cope with death and grief. I will paraphrase...She said that her family was what she called lace curtain Irish, and that in her family people kept most of their grief to themselves, using alcohol to help them through the wake, not weeping much. The first family she interviewed was Italian American, and the man said that when his mother died he jumped into the grave, tearing at his hair, his clothes, sobbing and sobbing and was inconsolable for a while. So she went off to her grad class and gave a report on this totally dysfunctional family. There was silence in the classroom, and then her fellow students from Puerto Rico and Italy gently began to tell her that they didn't see anything odd about this man's behavior, they'd see in lot's of times in their own families.And then one said she had been to an Irish wake and felt it was quite odd how people were drinking and having a party instead of talking about the deceased and weeping.

  I think there are real cultural differences dealing with dying. 

Clare was an intensely private person, but most people may not have known. Some of the people who have responded with concern knew her well enough to be aware of that.

I am sad that you experienced the concerns expressed as scolding, Manuela. I think people understood where you and Connie were coming from and very much appreciated your efforts to bring the community in. Sharing is certainly part of our cultural conserve.  But I also think there is also an understandable concern for issues of confidentiality. We don't just keep the confidentiality of our patients, but of one another in our training and peer groups. This may be an issue that is peculiarly American. I do not know. But I do know that it is an issue that we need to remind ourselves of. Perhaps the use of the internet to share stories about people is very different than doing at a memorial service. Internet communication is a recently development. We are all discovering together the advantages and limitations to listserves. 

 I think grouptalk needs to be a place where we can discuss these issues as they effect all of us in different situations. 

Rebecca Walters

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Manuela Maciel" <manuelamaciel at mail.telepac.pt>
To: <list at grouptalkweb.org>
Cc: <iagp-psychodrama at yahoogroups.com>
Sent: Tuesday, February 13, 2007 7:52 AM
Subject: RE: a response to a grieving community

> Dear friends and Colleagues
> 
> I understand people`s feelings, good intentions  and need to protect a
> beloved one but I can`t avoid feeling hurt, offended and sad that in such a
> sensitive moment we don`t show more tolerance and that I am accused in
> public of breaking boundaries, which I know that I didn`t , also as if we
> are talking about a patient and not of a good common friend, from whom I
> thought our common friends would like to know  a little about my last few
> days with Clare. 
> This is  something we do very often , this true "story telling" about a
> deceased one , when a community is grieving, at least in my country,
> Portugal. But maybe I was wrong with my good intentions of sharing with my
> friends ...
> 
> I would expect "our family" to be more holding and containing and not being
> judging and lesgislating how we express our feelings, specially in a
> cross-cultural context... 
> 
> Where is Moreno`s and Clare`s dream of compassion and peace for the World?!
> 
> With much love to our "psychodrama family".
> 
> Manuela Maciel
> -----Mensagem original-----
> De: list-bounces at grouptalkweb.org [mailto:list-bounces at grouptalkweb.org] Em
> nome de edwschreiber at earthlink.net
> Enviada: segunda-feira, 12 de Fevereiro de 2007 15:33
> Para: list at grouptalkweb.org
> Assunto: Re: a response to a grieving community
> 
> It's so interesting to be a part of this last few email exchanges.
> 
> We are like a big family and a smallish community.
> 
> We sometimes extend ourselves to one another,
> in our show of strength and passion.
> 
> And then when someone dies, like Clare,
> We reach further to one another
> in a kind of grace of spirit that moves us.
> 
> The Connie/Manuela emails have been so touching, for me
> for many I am sure.
> 
> Then Ann H. comes on and reminds us
> of the structures - sociometric and ethic - we must keep to.
> 
> Like a wise elder, Ann just keeps clarifying 
> our community. 
> 
> Sometimes I wish she would run for ASGPP President!
> 
> 
> Ed
> 
> Moreno Institute East
> 
> Grouptalk mailing list
> List at grouptalkweb.org
> http://grouptalkweb.org/mailman/listinfo/list_grouptalkweb.org
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Grouptalk mailing list
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