when we die

[Adam Blatner]

Responding to the discussion about the best way to talk about our colleague who has passed on.
    This conversation has shifted slightly, stimulated by the loss of Clare; for me, it evokes a sharper awareness of what seems to me to be my as-yet-dim awareness about what I want, what should be done, the whole business of coping in a more authentic fashion. 
     Also, I live in a community where acquaintances and friends die with some frequency (i.e., a Sun City community north of Austin Texas)---and one funeral yesterday---so my wife and I find ourselves coping by wondering, "Okay, what does it mean for us? Either of us could be next."
     Do we want a funeral?  With or without the body there? Some folks really want and say they need to see the body in order to effectively process the grief. Do we offer this as a community service or, if it's not important to us, or our nuclear family, have no casket?  What about no funeral at all?
     One friend says, "I don't even want to be there. If my husband dies, I get on a plane, go stay with my kids. I so don't want to stand there and have all our friends come up to me and share their condolences. Yuck!   As a widow, I get to take care of myself. That's what my husband would want."
      Another: "What I want to say to those left behind, my ethical will, may well not get said if we allow a traditional clergyman to perform the service."
      And I became aware of a rich complex of varied possible responses. Whose needs must we attend to?
           What if there are five friends who have a need to say or do something to express their loss? And others who genuinely feel sorry a bit, and just want to show up, be seen, "pay respects," not dwell on it much, and get on.

        I wonder, for example, of the spectrogram---or, better, perhaps a locogram---of the various predicaments of those in my expanded social network when I die. In this group, people might identify and then choose different sub-groups around the room, each one representing a different position (i.e., the technique of a modified locogram). 
     In one subgroup, there might be those were weren't all that interested in certain roles that were relatively important to me; many of those didn't even know about these roles, and some might even be surprised to learn about them. A few would be intrigued, perhaps, but most would find that facet of my life peripheral and uninteresting. 
   Some other possible positions of subgroups:
     -- perhaps a few people who say, "Gee, I would like to get to know more about him as my way of dealing with the loss.... they might want to read his website or books...look through his cartoons..."
      --  "I wish I could use this occasion to say how he helped my growth in some small or not-so-small way, because I want the catharsis of hearing myself affirm this episode, this facet of my own unfolding. His death catalyzes my need to affirm some component of my own becoming...  But I need someone who will listen..."
      -- (based on Bud's input:) I need to use this occasion to affirm the way we can support each other in times of a lessening---even by only one person---of our social network. And it's also an occasion to affirm faith and courage to carry on.
      -- I'd like to share my (or our) last few moments, days, weeks with (the name of the lost person). I will feel more affirmed in serving others by sharing these stories. I think she'd like us to share this way.
       -- (based on Jasna's input:) When someone dies, I want to share being with others, with all my often mixed and difficult feelings, how it reminds me of my own mortality, or the impending loss of others in my network. 
                And so forth. 
     Thanks for sharing a variety of reactions---it suggests to me that (1) there is no single right way---sort of reassuring; but (2) I am then offered a real existential challenge: What do I want for my death? Is it the same or different from how I would handle my wife's passing? Or my child's? Whose feelings should be considered and how much? The imponderables must be pondered, but there's no clear formula. I plan to trust dialog and encounter, but have no conclusions.
       Warmly, Adam
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