A response for a grieving community from anattenedee
PATRICIA DESERT
honeybwomn at msn.com
Sun Feb 18 15:58:53 CST 2007
Dear Jasna--Thank you for your tender response. You have reminded me of my family's many responses to the passing of our mother over 15 yrs ago.
My sister, Ro, and I very much wanted to prepare my mother's body for it's last journey on this earth. It is not common in our country to do this. The undertaker has that role. However, we needed to do this to help with our deep sadness at her passing. We were able to cry and laugh as we reminisced while styling her hair, applying her face makeup, and coloring her fingernails. I particularly loved doing her nails as she had beautiful hands and they were one of the few things she fully appreciated during her life.
My youngest brother, on the other hand, could not come near any of us during the days of preparation, burial, and after gatherings for extended family and friends. He said his goodbyes in the only way he could. As we placed my mom's body in the grave site next to my dad's, my brother parked many stone's throw away from us, slowly stepped out of his car, and simply stood quiet and alone as we said our final goodbyes.
The Ro, that night, blew into a rage about something, and stormed out of the house, boarded a plane, and few back home to Chicago. I understand from her daughter that Ro was delusionally talking to herself throughout the trip home. She could quietly experience my mom's death for only so long.
None of us have talked about these experiences since that time. Grieving happens in many ways as you have dearly pointed out. These are some of my family's ways. I cried and cried and cried, and for months and months after often had to leave work because of the tears.
So I am thinking now what I would like when I leave this world and I think I want my family to celebrate their relationships with me and talk with each other about those experiences. I just saw the movie Volver. It makes the point of ways we grieve so bitter sweetly. Raimunda, a daughter, was in the bathroom when she noted the smell of farts in the air. She followed that scent into the bedroom, not knowing that her mother's "spirit" had returned and was hiding under the bed. In a beautiful moment of loving reminiscing, she invited her sister to remember all the times her mother would fill up the room with her farts and then unable to restrain herself, would burst out laughing, bringing her daughters to sidesplitting laughter as well. And as in the past, they bent over with laughter remembering.
We all mourn and remember in so many different ways. It is the way of our lives together, and I am thankful that it is. With appreciation, Patti
----- Original Message -----
From: Jasna Veljkovic<mailto:jasnapsi at EUnet.yu>
To: connie at souldrama.com<mailto:connie at souldrama.com> ; list at grouptalkweb.org<mailto:list at grouptalkweb.org>
Cc: iagp-psychodrama at yahoogroups.com<mailto:iagp-psychodrama at yahoogroups.com>
Sent: Wednesday, February 14, 2007 2:25 PM
Subject: Re: [IAGP:PSYCHODRAMA] A response for a grieving community from anattenedee
Dear all,
The death of Clare, made me feeling sad, although I had never meet her.Than, I read all this different e/mail letters ,last several days.I noticed, that I was moved to think about all this things dealing with death.I cached myself in a fantasy,what would I like my psychodrama colleagues to do, after my death.
It is the most difficult thing for all of us,that's the reason of all this strong emotions and a lot of reactions.Sincere words and authentic and spontaneous human emotions, moved my sad feelings.When somebody close to us die,some people are crying, some of us are silent, some of us talking about death person, some get drunk..., someone is angry
.In my country,Serbia, people who were close to the death person, are usually coming after funeral, in the home of deceased person,to eat and drink together with his beloved.Sharing is important, when we share our difficult feelings, the fear of death is lessened.Allthough different ways of dealing with sorrow, many of us shared our on the first moment different emotions. I don't think that we have very different emotions, but only different ways of dealing with pain and fear.
.This feeling of unit , was important for me.
Jasna Veljkovic
----- Original Message -----
From: Connie Miller<mailto:connie at souldrama.com>
To: list at grouptalkweb.org<mailto:list at grouptalkweb.org>
Cc: iagp-psychodrama at yahoogroups.com<mailto:iagp-psychodrama at yahoogroups.com>
Sent: Wednesday, February 14, 2007 1:10 AM
Subject: [IAGP:PSYCHODRAMA] A response for a grieving community from an attenedee
February 13, 2007
Dear Connie,
I can hardly believe that some people are questioning the appropriateness of sharing the details of the time we had with Clare during our Souldrama experience. That time is a gift and a treasure to be shared by all who loved Clare and had the privilege of being in her presence, not just by those who were present during that time in January.
I think that letting people in the community know about the beautiful Souldrama time is like family members sharing with respectful and loving reverence with those who may not have been present during the final experiences of a dear one's life. I am saddened to learn that someone is making all of this as focus instead of remembering Clare without --even unintentionally--causing any division. I think you have handled the whole controversy extremely well, and the tone of your communications has been impeccable, in my opinion.
Sometimes I think "political correctness" is extremely divisive. In an attempt, however well intentioned, to make sure perceived standards are upheld, people who take upon themselves the job of regulating what is appropriate and what is not can end up marginalizing those who have done nothing but follow their hearts and their consciences. It is clear to me that Clare was not all all proprietary about the stage or about what we all did there to honor her and offer loving energy to her during her visit to our group. It was a shared, open time. One would think that those not present would be comforted to know that Clare received this gift during the final days of her life. How much better to have had the ceremony while she was with us and could receive the thanks of so many present who represented multitudes of absent ones. Everything was given without ego, with deep humility. Sharing the comfort we offered Clare with others comes from the same place of humility and loving kindness.
I hope you will not let the comments of others disturb your peace. Like Clare, you are a shining light of loving compassion.
Love,
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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