subtle oppression response

Wed Jul 16 22:13:32 CDT 2008

Hi Jen and group, 
    You bring up another one, this is good!  Again, I'm not sure if I want to classify this as oppression, because it might better fit with the development of assertion skills. And yet it is a little bit partaking of the dynamic of taboo---i.e., that which should not be talked about. 
        The problem, Jen, may be that it is for you more than for me (speaking as one of "them")---one who tries to be open, caring, sensitive, and all that good stuff---but who also is actually uncertain of the "right" way to deal with many situations!--- to know how to interact with you. 
        You say it well--- how to be concerned and open without being patronizing or pitying. 

    What my wife and I do is practice a quasi-psychodramatic technique we call "What I'd like to hear you say."  She knows that for all my smarts, I also have a generous supply of lacunae---Latin for hole--- role components where I'm clueless. 
       Perhaps a subtle oppression is that smart people can't really admit that in many ways they're not smart. This panders to either-or thinking, "Well either you're smart or you're dumb."  But we need to identify this foolish norm and confront it. So, anyway, I am learning to say, "I don't know what to say. I want to say something nice. What would you like to hear."

        Allee was a quick study and we got this ironed out within a few months of our being together, so she picks up on it and "hears" the "perfect" dialogue in the most uplifting or supportive scene. Ah, surplus reality!  And she says the words. Then I smile and say, "Yes." And she feels as if I said the right thing.
        It frees me from the subtly oppressive norm that if I really loved her then I would know what to say (and therefore if I don't know the right thing to say, the degree that what I say is off the mark expresses either my shallowness or the degree of not sufficient or genuine love.). Yech, what a norm. So we call the game and get by it.

       Back to your dilemma: It seems it might make for a great psychodrama-role training session, because it begins with your working out a little spiel, a little package that expresses succinctly how you want others to treat you. Assume they want to do so but don't know how. Allow for, oh, 25% (just pulling a number out of my hat) with whom your tele is not strong enough or their flexibility is limited enough that even if you tell them they won't respond right. Even then, give them at least 2 more chances.
      But most folks, if you get very clear exactly what words you want to hear, EXACTLY---nothing like, "just be sensitive"--- and tell them, chances are pretty good that a majority of folks will do right by you.

This is an interesting part of oppression: Those oppressed not only lose their sense of feeling free to speak up, but also often lose touch with the issues, of getting crystal clear in their own minds what it is they want to say, what they want the others to do, that sort of thing.

         I love it when Allee escalates one notch (still gentle, but slightly more firmly) and guides me to treat her the way she needs. I really want to be kind but don't always know how.   I hope this adds to the conversation. Your response is eagerly awaited.

        (Indeed, I am aware that perhaps I may have missed the point a bit, but that's what conversation is for.) 

             Warmly, Adam
  ----- Original Message ----- 
  From: jen kristel 
  To: Adam Blatner ; list at grouptalkweb.org 
  Cc: iagp-psychodrama at yahoogroups.com 
  Sent: Wednesday, July 16, 2008 6:55 PM
  Subject: RE: subtle oppression

  Hi Adam, and Anath;
  Thank you Anath for pointing out something so very important.
  I understand this aspect of oppression and it is interesting because of the subtlety involved, it is hard to pinpoint whether it is just me or whether it is a group dynamic. Do I dare say anything?is often a question I ask myself. Will I be taken seriously? As a person who lives with a disability, ( I have Cerebral Palsy)I find that I sense it as a person with a disability in the world of various abilities, that in fact people with disabilities are often ignored and/or discounted .   In some ways, people with disabilities are ignored, because to say anything about their disability can be misconstrued as being presumptuous and isolating.There is a subtle aspect that comes with inclusion that promotes a sense of erasure. ( Iam also aware of many cultures experiencing a  sense of erasure I wonder about whether there is a connection)To point out a persons disability can be construed as pitying (something that most people with disability really dislike-myself included)  But to ignore it is also just as bad and finding the midway point is often a balance. Because my disability is relatively invisible to the outside world, I have lived my life trying to act "normal" (if anyone can tell me what that is I would be very happy!)
   Im afraid that I am not very theoretical about this - I am aware that as I have gotten older I am now owning my disability more which often puts me in a very vulnerable place. But being honest about this, and allowing for my history which includes a lot of experiences most able bodied people don't  have, allows for me to also own it. A lot of people don't believe that I am as disabled as I say.  But because I can now speak clearly, walk relatively normally and have a productive life. What people do not see is how incredibly hard it is to write a clear sentence ( my husband acts as a resident ghost writer!) and process the world around me.

  I enjoy this listserv. I am not a CP either, although I have trained with many wonderful people.  I am glad that it is ok for those of us who are in the field, but not "official" to be included. I have trouble sometimes with the high level of intellectual banter but often find gems that I save to work with later on.
  Thank you!

  Jen Kristel, M.A.,CE, CPT
  Expressive Arts Therapist
  Playback Theatre Director/teacher

  "Be the change that you want to see in the world" Mahatma Gandhi

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  From: ablatner at verizon.net
  To: list at grouptalkweb.org
  Subject: subtle oppression
  Date: Thu, 10 Jul 2008 14:04:14 -0500
  CC: iagp-psychodrama at yahoogroups.com

  Dear Colleagues, I've been thinking of the category of sublte oppression, mainly referring to the kinds of dynamics that make you shut down in group settings. (These may not be just group therapy settings; they can also be classes, workshops, seminars, conferences, or other contexts in which one norm is that the group is on the surface inviting participation and openness, but at the same time certain dynamics can operate so that it feels too bold, out-of-it, insensitive, presumptuous, or otherwise potentially isolating and/or drawing rejection should you dare to speak up about certain topics. 

       This email is an invitation to share anecdotes. 

       I've come up with a few categories that tend to make me want to not assert myself, though on occasion I force myself to go against my tendency or temptation and speak up. (I've sometimes been supported in doing so, and sometimes condemned.): 
            1. I can't understand what the other person is saying because s/he is speaking too fast, too softly, with too much of an accent or dialect, using too big or unfamiliar terms or vocabulary, and so forth. In trying to bring up the problem of understand-ability, I've at times been met with blame.
             2. Someone takes offense to what I say, which then makes it difficult in that escalated emotional context to seek clarification and make amends. Explanations are often perceived as trying to avoid responsibility when in fact they are seeking to find a way to work out the miscommunication.
             3. Feeling one has a minority opinion when the group is perceived to have a certain bias. (Example: In one group many years ago a protagonist was complaining about a vague memory of possible sexual abuse---this was when this complaint was seen as always to be believed. I asked, "Well, there seems to be some question whether this event actually happened." Caught a lot of flack.)
             4. ...and so forth. Does this evoke any associations?

       My goal is to identify the underlying patterns that stifle discourse and think of ways we can better keep people feeling safe enough to express themselves. Any further examples or ideas will be appreciated. Warmly, Adam Blatner
  Adam Blatner, M.D.
     website: www.blatner.com/adam/   

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