More on surrender and spontaneity

Philip Carter phil.carter at
Wed Nov 21 11:39:31 PST 2018

Must be because you’re a farm girl. All this use of “we”. Do you find yourself relating to us as more of a pack or a herd?
I have had a deep abhorrence of both the word “choice” and how it is used to assert the individual and power. I have not been willing to surrender into this abhorrence. I must. I do this. Right now. I see myself as a bully, with a big fuck you to everyone. I recoil from that. I desperately seek the pack. I distrust everything good coming towards me. Like this. Yes, i have been on this merry go round for decades. Do not role analysis me or therapiss me. I will decapitate you. There. I can not be trusted. I am a little puppy rejected by its pack. Covered in the licks of wolves. Belonging no where. The important thing is that i voluntarily surrender and submit. That i voluntarily suffer. I breathe in. And out. Yes, wolves are my only friends because they do not pretend anything. And snakes. No wonder i work so easily with szhios and malcontents, and the emprisoned, and rejected. No wonder i can find goodness in Trump. And the more you try to beat sense into me, the more i will feel the earth and air of freedom because your true colours are revealed. You are fake. Your kindness only skin deep. Not just USA like this. The whole fucking world. Don’t think you have a monopoly on national self-loathing. My body has settled. I am ready for the herd. I seek the udder that is full of colostrum. I breathe it in. I feel it in the air. The universe welcomes me, as I am. And to come back to this thing of ‘choice’. Did i make any? I could say that in the voluntary willingness it is nothing but choice because i am voluntaring. Not bowing. Not complying. And the “I” verses the “we”. Both interpenetrating the other. Both existing at the same time. The we in the I and the I in the we. The choices i made in this passage here, were always within a relational field, no matter what indulgent tantrum. I sit with my dying mother and am completely available. There was no choice, no feeling or cognition to do so. It happened. I am willing to be reborn. The outside of my skin frizzles with something i have called terror in the past. I surrender. I feel a hot and wet arising in my chest. My eyes water. It is the truth. I know the truth. In that moment just back there a moment a go, I truly surrendered without choicing, or forcing or any hope or any idea of relief. This. I am willing to give up a lot and to work for this moment of what i call Grace. It comes with humility. That was the posture. A true humility. And vulnerability. I am willing to work on this. I am willing to wake up to give this a try. Could be willingness is what people call choice. I am going now. I have felt you Anne listening. Blessings to you and your work.

From: List <list-bounces at> On Behalf Of annehale
Sent: Wednesday, 21 November 2018 11:40 PM
To: List at
Subject: More on surrender and spontaneity

I always seem to experience the way spontaneity and sociometry are interconnected. I experience them as inseparable. Being able to compose "how so" is becoming clearer with these contributions. We choose. Experience our internal and sometimes visible pulls. All the words work and describe the states of knowing the action we will take as we ready ourself to choose.

I guess we surrender to the authentic choice. The non-being state of right action, as there is no other way to be, here and now. We are drawn into the.moment, a dying mother,  a newborn, a group that struggled and triumphed.

(That's a word I have liked, until recently.)

Thanks all.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless 4G LTE smartphone
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